Story Time

"Lovin' you is easy cause you're beautiful
Makin' love with you is all I wanna do
Lovin' you is more than just a dream come true
And everything that I do is out of lovin' you
La la la la la la la... do do do do do

No one else can make me feel
The colors that you bring"

Tonight, I´m going to share a story about a little girl and boy.
Each lived their own seperate lives, each in their own world, unaware that the other existed.
One day they "meet", and a dozen chats, a few mails and some stumbled phone calls reveal a blossoming connection, one that they cant explain. They seem to know where its heading.
They meet. The girl has the memory cristal clear in her mind, ending the day exausted, falling asleep with a enormous smile playing across her face.


Praça da Republica, 21st of July started a journey beyong friendship. A fun, scary, amazing, breathtaking journey.


Noctivago, 17th of August completed that journey, and started a new one. They had arrived where they expected.

Now, they cant get enough of each other. The days fly when they are together, linger when they are apart. The girl lives for the small moments, in the dark of the night, when everyone is asleep, and she is happy just to be near him. Waking up next to the boy who fills her with swirling emotions.

She might not show them enough, but they are there.


They know it wont last forever, but so what?

"Carpe Diem"

Fantasy Worlds

Desta vez, vou tentar expressar-me em português, algo de que me tenho esquecido nestas ferias.

Hoje sinto-me magoada.

Não por algo que me foi feito, mas sim por algo que está a ser feito a uma pessoa que adoro.

Viver num mundo de fantasia não leva a lado nenhum. Leva a acreditar em algo que não é real. Leva a acordar um dia, e ser assaltado pela dura realidade da vida, aquela que não é perfeita.
Se querem viver nessa fantasia, ao menos tenham a coragem de a tornar realidade.

Não sei bem como proceder neste caso. Posso berrar, fazer com que muita gente se sinta mal. Prefiro ficar em silencio. Não está no meu poder mudar a situação, por mais que queira.

Fecho-me no meu quarto, berro internamente. Fecho-me em mim, para não sofrer na vez de outra pessoa. Ignoro aqueles comentários parvos que me fazem mal estar na barriga. Ligo os head phones.

Mas continuo a tentar encontrar uma solução, porque não gosto de desistir. Quero encontrar uma solução. No fundo, sei que não vou encontrar.
Vou-me distanciar, ainda mais quando sair de casa. Mas ele irá continuar a sofrer. Nada muda isso. Ele continuará, nos olhos dela, a ser o home base, o descartável. E ele, com medo de a perder, vai continuar a deixar.

Fear and Fascination

I look around, observe everything slowly.
And I´m gripped with a chilling fear. Of God knows what. Of life. Of death. Of losing that precious little moment, because I wasnt paying attention. Of waking up one morning and being lost. So lost.


Being lost frightens me.

Falling frightens me.

Trusting frightens me.
Its like I´m handing myself to someone else, on a platter. Giving them the key. Giving them the power.
Its an impossible thing for me to do. I wish I could do it. I wish I could be that vulnerable. But I´m not. So what now?
I can even discribe it as irritating. Sometimes I want so hard to trust, and I cant.

Someone once asked me why I needed a wall around me. Someone once told me to let go. So easy to say, so hard to do. I might fall so hard, that I will be incapable of getting up again.
But slowly, slowly, everyone leaves their mark on my, and "practice makes perfect". There´s hope that one day, one day I will truly trust.

Until then, I´m my best friend.

Guilt

Guilt does amazing things to people.
When I´m feeling guilty I lose my appetite, I chew my piercings, I go over everything in my head until I´m practically mad.

Today I hurt someone I really care about. And I´m experiencing an overwhelming guilty feeling, so strong that all I want to do is roll around on the floor screaming so loud so that I can´t hear my thoughts. That stray constantly towards how the person is question must be feeling right now.
I hate hurting people, but somewho, I always do. Hence the guilt.
I tell people that its not a good idea to love me, maybe because I don´t think I´m whorthy, but mostly because I will hurt them. They think I´m just being coy, and hard to get. I wish.

All seems well for the first few months, roses and smiles and rainbows. And then I get restless. And start looking for a way out. Commitment frightens me.
I know I have a problem, and I need to sort it out, or I´m going to lead a string of dead end relationships for the rest of my life. Not what I want to do. The thing is that I dont know how to solve it.
I´m searching for the root of this problem, to start there and work my way forward, to fix where it went wrong...

Then again, maybe I´m just over-reacting, and the reason I can´t do relationships is because I haven´t found someone I really want to commit to.

Oh Fuck, Just Get Me Out Of Here

Aggravation

I’m searching desperately for something, something I just can’t seem to find. I fly from one thing to another with so much haste, without pausing to think. Settling is one of the hardest things for me to accomplish. Actually, I don’t think I have ever truly managed to settle, even for the shortest time.

And people get hurt, just as I would if they were the same as me. People get hurt because they don’t understand, as much as I try to explain. And it goes wrong.

Eventually.

I might make an effort, a sort of denial of myself for that other person, but in the end, off I go again, searching for something new. And it’s not that I haven’t found the right person, it’s more that I haven’t found me. And I won’t stop until I do.

Maybe its just plain selfishness, and sometimes I lead myself to believe that’s what it is. That I’m just a selfish little kid. But is it? Denial of oneself is not the path to a happy fulfilled life. And I want one of those, bad.

It’s aggravating how it happens all the time, with everything. I just don’t seem to want to settle down. Maybe it’s for the best and I will end up with loads of life experience, and a bitter heart, a wise old woman sitting by herself, trying to pass on her knowledge to any wandering stranger.

Fragments

Today, I got hurt…I feel like I could break down and cry. Just a few simple written words reduced me to nothing, making me churn inside. Making me remember all the moments, all the things said. Things that at the time felt real, but weren’t.
Friendship doesn’t last forever, unless you are strong. There are always things getting in the way, creating little nagging doubts. That just won’t go AWAY!
And then it ends.
Sometimes in the blink of an eye, sometimes so slowly you don’t even notice…Until it’s too late. So many things you wished you had done, wished you had paid more attention to.

For once, I wish things lasted for ever.
For once, I wish I wasn’t left feeling numb inside, wanting to scream.

It’s amazing how easily things end. One minute its happening, the next its over. And then the numbness takes over, washing through my body, to powerful to control.

But the worst is the flood of emotions, when the numbness ebbs away.
Emotions I don’t think I can deal with, that leave me shaking and wrecked. That I just can’t explain to anyone.

Flash Bang, I´m Big

A vida passa nos ao lado, com uma rapidez excruciante. Nem dou pelo passar do tempo e, de repente, estou crescida, perdida num mundo enorme, a caminho do futuro...
Tenho momentos em que quero tanto voltar a ter 5 anos, altura em que nada tinha grande importancia e onde a inocencia me guardava.
Infelizmente, isto não é possivel :( Tomará eu...
Lembro-me de entra na escola dos "Grandes" e olhar com admiração para os alunos do 12º, pensando que nunca iria chegar ali. E agora chegei.


Sei que não devo resistir á vida...

Depois vem o viver sozinha, a independecia, as universidades, o Mundo.
Sei que muito provavelmente, vou fazer o que normalmente faço, e dar em doida internamente, quando todos os dias chegar das aulas a uma casa vazia. Vou ter saudades de ouvir o meu pai a perguntar como me correu o dia, ou a contar as peripécias da pequena. Vou ter ainda mais saudades de adormecer a ouvir as vozes familiares na sala e o burburinho da televisão.

Para grande felicidade minha, isto só acontece para o ano. Ainda me resta um tempinho, embora pouco, para me consciencializar do que ai vem.

É o final de uma etapa e o inicio de outra...