BIG

Fear can be a dumb thing.
A silly and a bum thing.
And fear can be the one thing that keeps us in the dark.

God, I´m scared. Shit scared if I´m totally honest.
That day, that fateful day I handed over those pieces of paper that will change my life. I keep going back to that day. Remembering that lady and her smile, her whisper of good luck. Remembering the office, the waiting, the snatched short breaths. Walking out of that door and suddenly feeling so empty, small and powerless.
I want to go, leave, travel, grow. More than anything. I mean, I´ve got to do it someday, right?
But I´m so scared. So bloody scared I lie in bed awake at night going over and over it in my mind.
It´s like, Oh my sweet Jesus, I´m in charge. I can shape my life, mold my opportunities, make the most of what I have, of the air I breath. And my brave mask comes off, and all I want to do is hide.


So, heres to me being a big girl, a brave girl. Heres to me getting on a plane, settling in to a new life for six months. Heres to me, because I am bloody well going to do this. I´going to smile, make friends, be strong. Because as much as it hurts to leave people behind, and stepping out into the unknown, it would hurt even more letting this slip through my fingers. And as much as it kills me to go, I can only hope you will still be here when I get back.


I want to do something amazing. I want to be someone fantastic. And I´m going to be.



I want to look back and know that handing over those papers was the right thing to do.

Reality Check

I have a sister in a wheelchair. She has cerebral palsy.
She is beautiful.
She is amazing.
She has the brightest smile you will ever see.
She is my incredible sister.
But she is different.

Yesterday, I realized she knows she is different.
And, oh dear, did it hurt. It made me want to wrap her so tight in my arms, and hide her away from everything mean and hurtful.
And it made the tears stream down my face.

Today's Daily Challenge - Share 5 things that are on your bucket list.

So, I haven´t actually looked at my bucket list since I started uni. And when I found it in my box of memories this morning, I realised it needed a good review, because it mirrors the hopes and dreams of a teenage fighter, not a nearly 20year old woman.


So, here are 5 random things I have on my bucket list (my mental one):

-Travel on my own;
-Be independent (financially and mentally);
-Do bungee jumping and/or sky diving;
-Set up a real home of my own, somewhere I feel comfortable and safe;
-Take cookery classes;


Maybe you would like to try Daily Challenge?
http://www.meyouhealth.com/

New Dawn

2010 was special because of quite a few things:

A reality check - exams and more exams - almost lost my mind.
A new and incredible boyfriend.
The discovery of jealousy.
Taking out my three lip piercings.
Giving up smoking.
A road trip to Jersey with my Mum!
Going on a archaeological dig, and realising that I am on the right path.
My worst piss up ever - never, never again will I touch bagaço.
Some body issues - resolved by realising I´m the one in charge of the way I look.
A lot of growing up, managing house and finances.
A lot of facing up to my feeling, and talking about difficult issues.
Meeting my "in-laws" and going to my boyfriends house.
Bringing my boyfriend home.
Realising my best friend (and our friendship) is fading.



























2011 is going to be amazing, I know. I´m going to make it amazing.
I promise to:

Travel - ERASMUS mobility program - UK? Holand? Italy?
Try not to judge.
Be more understanding.
Quit the moaning.
Give love freely.
Dig all Summer - with a small festival break - Andanças? Boom?
Express myself more.
Read at least one book a week - and not brainwashing novels.
Watch at least one international film a week (as in, one that isn´t English/American).
Start my mega book project - soon to be explained.
Write more - English and Portuguese.
Speak up.
Be more secure of myself.
Love my boyfriend with all of my body and soul.


"And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me"

Home and Away

Soube bem regressar a casa depois deste semestre.
Sabe tão bem acordar com o cheiro a café, trocar conversa de circunstância com o meu pai, confrontar a minha mãe, partilhar o sofá e a manta com as minhas irmãs.

A minha família é tão preciosa, tão necessária...e ao mesmo tempo, tão irritante.
Depois de viver "sozinha" e estabelecer as minhas próprias regras os meus horários, voltar a casa é um bocado duro. Já não estou habituada a ter que esperar, a ter que me sentar à mesa e jantar (embora gosto muito de o fazer), a ter regras, a lavar montanhas de louça, a lidar com a desarrumação constante de todos.
Mas sei que, por mais que me deixem doida, quando voltar para Coimbra, vou sentir falta. Muita falta.
Pondero como será no futuro. Primeiro, ERASMUS - 6 meses sem ver a família. Eu, que volto quase todos os fins-de-semana, que escondo as lágrimas quando entro na sala depois de uma semana dura e vejo todos à minha espera, vou sobreviver 6 meses com mero contacto telefónico?!
E algures no futuro, vou deixar de considerar a casa dos meus pais a minha casa, vou ter casa própria, não vou voltar todos os fins de semana. Vou ligar de vez em quando, e vou passar o Natal, os aniversários e a Páscoa (?).
Assusta. Tanto. Preciso da minha família.
Será que vou deixar de precisar algum dia?
Será que o sentimento desvanece?

Heart of Gold

Nobody said it would be easy...
Finding a balance is never easy.
I give, you give. Maybe you give more sometimes, maybe I give more other times.
On many occasions, finding a middle term is terribly hard. I push, you push. I pull, you pull.
It doesn´t mean I love you any less, it doesn´t mean I appreciate you any less.

We don´t just fall in love, and fall in to perfect synchrony. How perfect would that be? How boring would that become?
We have hard times, we have good times. We have times of peace, we have times of conflict.
But we don´t give up. Something pushes us forward, makes us want to try again, makes us turn over in bed and hug one another, makes us reach out once more.

You´ve touched me, you´ve changed me.
I never want to leave - but I know that day will come. The day when, maybe we give up, or maybe we part as friends, or maybe we just fade away.
Right now, I can´t even think of that day. That day better be far, far away, because I can´t deal with that day just yet.
You are way to precious, way to necessary, way to familiar.

And I am way to scared of being left all alone is this big, big scary world.


I am sure, with all of my soul and my body, that I love you, more than I ever thought possible.
Don´t forget that, ok? I never will.




"Balance is not letting anyone love you less than you love yourself"

You Learn

"After some time you learn the difference, the subtle difference between giving a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that to love don't mean to lean on, and that company doesn´t always mean safety.

And you begin to learn that kisses are not contracts and presents are not promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats with your head held high, with an adult's grace and not with a child's sadness.

After some time you learn that the sun burns if you are exposed to it for a long time.

And you learn that it doesn't matter how much you care, some people simply don't care... and you accept that doesn't matter how good a person can be, they will hurt you once in a while and you need to learn to forgive them for that.

And what matters is not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life. You realize that it takes a long time to become the person that you want to be, and that time is short.

You realize that just because somebody doesn't loves you the way that you want, it doesn't mean that somebody don't love you as much as they can, therefore there are people that love us, but they simply don´t know as how to show it or to live it.

You learn that it is not always enough to be forgiven by someone, sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

You learns that it doesn't matter in how many pieces your heart was broken, the world doesn't stop so that you can repair it.

Therefore, plant your garden and decorate your soul, instead of hoping someone will bring you flowers..."

William Shakespeare