Tired.
Bored.
Lost.
Scared.
They never said she would feel all theses things. All they spoke of was the good moments, the sunshine, the parties, the people. But, actually, they forgot the rest. Maybe eventually she will too. But right now the light on the horizon is far away, and every day she runs faster, but it doesn´t get any closer...it seems to taunt her, just out of reach, just around the corner, around the next...no, maybe, maybe the next.
And the worst thing is feeling angry. Angry at herself for not being stronger, for not partying more, for not enjoying more. It is slipping through her fingers, and all she does is count the days until she gets on that plane, off, and into her mothers arms. ´
Growing up is not fun, no matter what people say.
October 27, 2011
September 19, 2011
She Won´t Go
All her life, she has dreamed about setting off, breaking free, living on the edge.
In two days, she will start a life that will be a mix and match of all she has ever wished for. And she is scared shitless, absolutely terrified. She keeps looking for the exit, as she speeds toward that inevitable day, the baggage, the flights, the languague.
The NEW.
It is literaly just around the corner, but she is digging her heels in to the ground, not wanting to move, hating every goodbye, even the simplest. Tears keeps running down her cheecks, a mere song on the radio, a smell, a smile, reduces her to a puddle of salty water.
Saying goodbye is hard. Especially when everybody else moves faster, keeps moving, goes forward, and all she wants to do is close her eyes, wake up in her bed to sweet silence, drink a cup of coffee with her mum, and slowly watch her world wake.
Deep down, she can´t wait to be free. But the feeling is lost beneath a blanket of sadness, sadness because what is "normal" will no longer be. As sure as she needs air, next week she will feel italian, will have forgotten the sadness, the tears, and will be knee deep in a wonderful new life.
Heres to the future.
In two days, she will start a life that will be a mix and match of all she has ever wished for. And she is scared shitless, absolutely terrified. She keeps looking for the exit, as she speeds toward that inevitable day, the baggage, the flights, the languague.
The NEW.
It is literaly just around the corner, but she is digging her heels in to the ground, not wanting to move, hating every goodbye, even the simplest. Tears keeps running down her cheecks, a mere song on the radio, a smell, a smile, reduces her to a puddle of salty water.
Saying goodbye is hard. Especially when everybody else moves faster, keeps moving, goes forward, and all she wants to do is close her eyes, wake up in her bed to sweet silence, drink a cup of coffee with her mum, and slowly watch her world wake.
Deep down, she can´t wait to be free. But the feeling is lost beneath a blanket of sadness, sadness because what is "normal" will no longer be. As sure as she needs air, next week she will feel italian, will have forgotten the sadness, the tears, and will be knee deep in a wonderful new life.
Heres to the future.
June 29, 2011
Sweet Little Becca
"And I hate when things are over -
When so much is left undone."
I have a immensity of feelings, emotions, moments, memories whirling in my body, my soul, my brain. I desperately want to share them with you, I need you to understand every little detail. Nothing, and I mean nothing compares, nothing has ever felt so real, so amazing, and yet so painful. Nothing has ever lifted me up so high, nothing has ever made me fear the end with such intensity.
I want to shout it from the rooftops, but I can´t find the words. I want to spray paint it on walls, tattoo it on my body, I want to give this, what we have, a sense of eternity. I know nothing lasts for ever, everything changes, our perspectives change, just as our needs change.
But whatever the future holds, whatever paths we wander, no matter how far apart we roam, I will never forget this feeling, this amazing, wonderful, binding feeling.
It´s the most fantastic feeling, but strangely, sometimes it´s so good it´s bad.
I´ve given myself to somebody else, heart, body and soul. Given myself up, and that makes it scary. I can never walk out that door, never say goodbye and mean it. I just can´t. I love you more that I can even feel. It swells above, around, beyond me. It´s bigger than me. Sometimes I fell so lost in it that I just need to do something to remind me who I am, without you, for fear of becoming a part of you and ceasing to exist on my own. I know it is hard to understand the logic, but it is there, somewhere.
And more than a year later, I can´t live without you. I breath because you do, I smile when you smile, cry when you do. I care about every little thing. I watch you and my heart races, my mind goes blank and I thank whatever forces that lead me to you. We have come so far, and the road ahead is long and winding, but we make the rules. I promise I will never turn out the light.
Pretty pretty please, don´t ever ever leave.
When so much is left undone."
I have a immensity of feelings, emotions, moments, memories whirling in my body, my soul, my brain. I desperately want to share them with you, I need you to understand every little detail. Nothing, and I mean nothing compares, nothing has ever felt so real, so amazing, and yet so painful. Nothing has ever lifted me up so high, nothing has ever made me fear the end with such intensity.
I want to shout it from the rooftops, but I can´t find the words. I want to spray paint it on walls, tattoo it on my body, I want to give this, what we have, a sense of eternity. I know nothing lasts for ever, everything changes, our perspectives change, just as our needs change.
But whatever the future holds, whatever paths we wander, no matter how far apart we roam, I will never forget this feeling, this amazing, wonderful, binding feeling.
It´s the most fantastic feeling, but strangely, sometimes it´s so good it´s bad.
I´ve given myself to somebody else, heart, body and soul. Given myself up, and that makes it scary. I can never walk out that door, never say goodbye and mean it. I just can´t. I love you more that I can even feel. It swells above, around, beyond me. It´s bigger than me. Sometimes I fell so lost in it that I just need to do something to remind me who I am, without you, for fear of becoming a part of you and ceasing to exist on my own. I know it is hard to understand the logic, but it is there, somewhere.
And more than a year later, I can´t live without you. I breath because you do, I smile when you smile, cry when you do. I care about every little thing. I watch you and my heart races, my mind goes blank and I thank whatever forces that lead me to you. We have come so far, and the road ahead is long and winding, but we make the rules. I promise I will never turn out the light.
Pretty pretty please, don´t ever ever leave.
June 11, 2011
You Can Call Georgia
I´m lost in mountains of papers, hours of typing, snatched meals and stolen kisses on a 3 minute break.
But today I had to go outside. I love windy days, when the sun is shinning strong, but the breeze keeps me cool. And I love my city, even though I hardly know it at all.
This year one of my classes is "Urbanism", and we had the privilege of attending an outdoor class, because my teacher believes that you learn about cities and towns by wandering the streets and exploring dead ends. So we did. And I learned to look up, up, up. When you are walking somewhere, don´t look down. Stare up at the buildings, see the windows, the verandas, the chimneys, the different roofs. You will enter a whole different world, mark my words. These days we walk from A to B, with our headphones in our ears, and our eyes on the ground. Today I went out, and stood proud, stared long and hard, and embraced my passion of windows and doors - the communication points of our houses.
Soundtrack for those dull afternoons of study: http://www.esnips.com/doc/02ba4273-e8ff-4819-ae04-ed8963c856ad
June 05, 2011
Numb...Encore?
I´ve got my eyes on the horizon, my hair is floating in the wind, and my mind is wandering.
Sometime people have to be brave. We have to make hard, harsh decisions. We have to hurt others, in order to save ourselves.
And sometimes we have to step away, and look at our lives from afar, to make sure we are doing what our hearts need, not what our mind says.
Other times we have to throw our pride, our distance, our ego out the window, and curl up to the ones we love, beg them not to leave, and stain their shirts with our bittersweet tears.
May 05, 2011
Moments of Nothingness
Empurro. Estou sempre a empurrar, sempre a forçar, mas nunca estou contente.
É o dilema constante do ser humano - nunca nos contentamos.
Queremos sempre mais, e melhor.
Queremos o que o outro tem, queremos o que o outro quer.
Mas nunca estamos contentes.
You Think You Are Cooler Than Me
A minha vida está a andar tão depressa. Pisco os olhos, e os dias fogem. Estou quase no fim do meu segundo ano de licenciatura, só falta mais um. Mais um ano que vai ser atribulado, em tantos aspectos.
Hoje completei o "último" passo na minha candidatura de ERASMUS. Daqui a sensivelmente um mês vou receber um mail que vai mudar a minha vida. Daqui a um mês vou repetir aquela experiência da colocação na faculdade.
Fingers crossed.
Preciso tanto de expandir-me por este mundo fora.
E esta nova perspectiva faz-me olhar para trás. Cheguei a casa e tirei a minha caixa das lembranças, onde guardo bocados de mim, bocados da minha vida. Pus-me a ler, a folhear, a sentir todos os objectos naquela caixa. Pus-me a descobrir a Rebeca que fui, durante a adolescencia, durante a grande mudança do secundário. Vi caras que fizeram parte do meu crescimento. Lembrei-me de coisas que magoam, mas sobretudo, lembrei-me das coisas que me conduziram até aqui.
Quando andava no secundário, escrevia muito. Escrevia para fugir, para expressar as coisas que não tinha coragem de gritam a quatro ventos. Consigo traçar minunciosamente esses três anos relendo aqueles textos de adolescente que tenta encaixar.
Encontrei isto (acho que é muito fitting neste contexto):
"Nunca é tarde demais. Simplesmente pensamos que é.
Se cada um de nós, em vez de hesitar, se atirasse, o Mundo seria muito diferente. Diminuiam brutalmente as oportunidades perdidas, os beijos desejados, mas nunca dados, os suspiros de infelicidade. Aumentava a adrenalina, os sorrisos, a felicidade, e quem sabe, até mesmo o infortunio.
Mas...a responsabilidade é um fardo pesado que nos prende à realidade. Agimos em conformidade, conformamo-nos mais vezes que as estritamente necessárias. Sacrificamos muito. Tudo por causa da responsabilidade. E do medo.
Do medo enorme de ouvirmos um "não", de ficarmos de mãos a abanar, com os sonhos desfeitos no chão. Escolhemos o caminho mais seguro e ficamos para todo o sempre a pensar "E se....?".
E se tivessemos dito, ou feito algo diferente? Onde estariamos agora? Quem preenchia os nossos dias? Com quem acordariamos de manhã?"
Hoje completei o "último" passo na minha candidatura de ERASMUS. Daqui a sensivelmente um mês vou receber um mail que vai mudar a minha vida. Daqui a um mês vou repetir aquela experiência da colocação na faculdade.
Fingers crossed.
Preciso tanto de expandir-me por este mundo fora.
E esta nova perspectiva faz-me olhar para trás. Cheguei a casa e tirei a minha caixa das lembranças, onde guardo bocados de mim, bocados da minha vida. Pus-me a ler, a folhear, a sentir todos os objectos naquela caixa. Pus-me a descobrir a Rebeca que fui, durante a adolescencia, durante a grande mudança do secundário. Vi caras que fizeram parte do meu crescimento. Lembrei-me de coisas que magoam, mas sobretudo, lembrei-me das coisas que me conduziram até aqui.
Quando andava no secundário, escrevia muito. Escrevia para fugir, para expressar as coisas que não tinha coragem de gritam a quatro ventos. Consigo traçar minunciosamente esses três anos relendo aqueles textos de adolescente que tenta encaixar.
Encontrei isto (acho que é muito fitting neste contexto):
"Nunca é tarde demais. Simplesmente pensamos que é.
Se cada um de nós, em vez de hesitar, se atirasse, o Mundo seria muito diferente. Diminuiam brutalmente as oportunidades perdidas, os beijos desejados, mas nunca dados, os suspiros de infelicidade. Aumentava a adrenalina, os sorrisos, a felicidade, e quem sabe, até mesmo o infortunio.
Mas...a responsabilidade é um fardo pesado que nos prende à realidade. Agimos em conformidade, conformamo-nos mais vezes que as estritamente necessárias. Sacrificamos muito. Tudo por causa da responsabilidade. E do medo.
Do medo enorme de ouvirmos um "não", de ficarmos de mãos a abanar, com os sonhos desfeitos no chão. Escolhemos o caminho mais seguro e ficamos para todo o sempre a pensar "E se....?".
E se tivessemos dito, ou feito algo diferente? Onde estariamos agora? Quem preenchia os nossos dias? Com quem acordariamos de manhã?"
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