Because I Can

Estou aqui há meia hora a tentar perceber o que deva dizer, ou o que quero dizer. E ainda não percebi.
Acho que devo começar com um pedido de desculpa, pois tenho a perfeita consciência de que não estou a ser a pessoa mais perfeita do mundo.

Sou invadida por um sentimento estranho, que me faz ser má, e reagir de forma infantil.

Não gosto de me sentir assim, necessitada, sempre a resmungar, nunca satisfeita. Sempre a empurrar-te para um canto, quando o que realmente quero é que nunca mais me largues.

Não quero ouvir sobre as tuas amigas, e os seus atributos físicos maravilhosos.
Não quero ouvir que até marchavam.
Mesmo sendo num tom de brincadeira, não consigo encontrar a graça.
Quero ser egoísta, e ter-te só para mim.

E detesto-me por ser assim. Eu não sou assim. Sempre fui pessoa liberta, sem problemas com quaisquer comentários, ou atitudes. Levava tudo com a maior das calmas.



Agora viro-me de costas, e fico amuada, em silencio.

Parece que as tuas palavras ampliam a minha insegurança, que apareceu do nada. Que me reduz a lágrimas salgadas, incompreensíveis.

E tu não tens culpa de nada. Fazes coisas tão bonitas. Esforças-te tanto. Gosto de ti.

Preciso de ser salva. Não sei onde parar, ou como parar.

You´ll Follow Me Down

It won´t work like this.
Not even a little bit.
And we will end up empty handed, heartbroken.
Wondering what the fuck happened.
Wondering where the fuck it went wrong.

So, please remember I´m here.
And remember that I don´t enjoy being ignored.
Not even in the slightest.

So kill me for not being afraid of words and what they mean.

Running Out

I lean across the foot of the bed, and reach for the light switch. As I do, I smile at myself in the mirror. No matter how awful, or how amazing the day was, I always smile. And click, I´m bathed in silky darkness.
After the lights went out, when I still lived at home, I would lie there in the dark and dream up a different world, filled with smiles, hugs, and normality. I always wished for normality. So hard, and for so long. I hated being the freak, the strange one. I wished for a normal family, and for confort, and reassurance. For protection. I soon realised it was a better idea to rely on myself.

Now, so much has changed. I look around, and all I see are people struggling to be different. Struggling, fighting harder than I ever did. Trying not to get sucked into this world that they worked so hard to create.


Make up your mind, why don´t you?

Dalila

So tired.

3 days of people everywhere, cooking and millions of tiny questions.

So exausted.

But ever so satisfied. Because this year was actually quite fun, even though Mum and I had mad fits of stress, and post stress attacks of madness. We did survive.Somehow.

I do believe that at heart I will always be some sort of hippie. Because holding hands, and singing together never freaks me out, and random hugs are always welcome. And because abnormal is somehow normal to me.
So once again, thank you people who came, and helped, who smiled, laughed, and braved the rain. It was worth it.


Now for bucketfulls of uni, canteen food, and cigarettes in the sun. This is fantastic.
Am taking long long break from any real cooking, and managed to spend 32€ on loads of tins, jars, packets that involve putting in a pan and heating up, possibly with water. No brain skills required.

Over and out, lovies.

Outside, Now.

Right, go away. Now.
Please, just disappear. My sanity had already started doing just that.
Your words, your face, you. All of you.
And worst of all is that I hate myself more than I hate you.

Hate myself for feeling this way about someone who has absolutely no part of my life.

Hate myself for feeling so insecure with just a mention of your name.

Hate myself for feeling left out of something I was never a part of.

But please, go away.

Unconfortable with this strange feeling. Need my self esteem back. Need to feel like the only one.

(this is not suposed to make any sense, don´t try and figure it out)

Kiss

Hoje ia no autocarro quando duas moças, carregadas de sacos de compras, se desataram a rir de mim. Já agora, queria perguntar-lhes porque? O motivo certamente não era digno, pois quando me pus a olhar directamente para uma, a sorrir (com cara de psicopata) a coitadinha quase morreu de susto. Enfim...Glad I amuse you!


E já agora, o sol brilhou hoje, e a Primavera instalou-se na minha alma. Quero andar de mãos dadas, e rebolar na relva. Apanhar flores e sorrir para as pessoas na rua. Wanna join me? Porque sozinha não tem tanta piada.

Segue-se uma noite de diversão, a festejar os anos da Teenage, num bar qualquer aqui de Coimbra. O que importa é a companhia. Right?

Amanha, se quiserem ver coisas muito engraçadas, andarei de pijama pela UC. Só naquela, porque não tenho nada melhor para fazer.

Deixo-vos então, pois tenho duas minis no frigorífico, suplicando que eu as beba. de penalti.

Coisas fofas para todos.

Beautiful, Dirty, Rich

So, my lovelies. How´s life?

I´m up to my eyeballs in scraps of notes from various different classes I can´t identify. Why did I think this method would be easier? I see a long night of organizing ahead of me...Have been postphoning this moment for a few weeks now. But, Becca, strap on a pair. They are only notes, they don´t bite. Right?

Am quite worried about the new Lady Gaga obssession I am developing (can´t believe I´m publishing this). If you drop by, most likely I´ll be dancing around one room or another in my house, with an apron on, singing Paparazzi like my whole life depends on it. Sad. I know. I will go bright red, and pretend I´m listening to a meddley of songs, and that one came on by pure chance! Don´t take me seriously, thought.

Resisting the urge to dress up, strap on my high heels, and go out on the razzle tomorrow. School Prom. Must resist. Will not have a good time. Alternate plan is stay home with all food from pantry, and watch TV through the night, whilst texting until my fingers drop off. Sound like lots more fun. And way more confortable.

One more week of this cosmopolitan life, and it´s back to the farm for one blissful (not) week of holidays. Easter is such a pointless holiday (in a totally non offensive tone).

Working hard towards a nice comfy relationship with someone who is not even one year older than me. I hardly recognise myself. Change is good, isn´t that what they say? Expanding horizons every single day, and trying to cope with someone who has never had a real gf before! Strange, but very rewarding.

Anyho, must dash. My notes are burning a hole in my desk. Need to return to my nice, organizes, safe paradise. Where everything matches, and flowers grow against the side walks. I´m not normal. Not even close.

Ah, one more thing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBDbUVXXp-U Pure nonsense, but makes my insides wobble. In a decidedly good way.

Over and out.