Moving in Circles

Something feels strange.
Something feels off.
She just can´t put her finger on it. It´s just not the same anymore.

She feels frustrated, lost in this strange world. She questions her decisions, picks faults in her actions, is never satisfied with what she has.

She wants more, more emotion, more pain, more anger, more happiness, more passion. Just MORE of everything, so that the numbness gets lost in all the other overpowering feelings. God, she feels small, and useless, and insignificant.

She leaves, and returns, and can´t tell the difference. It´s all the same. All the moments blur together, all the words and conversations are just white noise in the background.

She´s afraid this is all there is. That around the next bend is more of this, more normal, more usual.
She´s scared that in 2, 3 years time she won´t be happy with what she choose, what she becomes.

She feels like shouting of rooftops, piercing her body, tattooing herself from head to toe, just to see if it makes a difference, just to see if the pain makes a difference.

She has had enough of american tv, crappy books, boring classes, but can´t find the strength to change, to say no.

It all seems the same. And how sad is that?

Wings of Wind

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more

Remember: The time to love is short
------ author unknown

Found It

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Corinthians 13

BIG

Fear can be a dumb thing.
A silly and a bum thing.
And fear can be the one thing that keeps us in the dark.

God, I´m scared. Shit scared if I´m totally honest.
That day, that fateful day I handed over those pieces of paper that will change my life. I keep going back to that day. Remembering that lady and her smile, her whisper of good luck. Remembering the office, the waiting, the snatched short breaths. Walking out of that door and suddenly feeling so empty, small and powerless.
I want to go, leave, travel, grow. More than anything. I mean, I´ve got to do it someday, right?
But I´m so scared. So bloody scared I lie in bed awake at night going over and over it in my mind.
It´s like, Oh my sweet Jesus, I´m in charge. I can shape my life, mold my opportunities, make the most of what I have, of the air I breath. And my brave mask comes off, and all I want to do is hide.


So, heres to me being a big girl, a brave girl. Heres to me getting on a plane, settling in to a new life for six months. Heres to me, because I am bloody well going to do this. I´going to smile, make friends, be strong. Because as much as it hurts to leave people behind, and stepping out into the unknown, it would hurt even more letting this slip through my fingers. And as much as it kills me to go, I can only hope you will still be here when I get back.


I want to do something amazing. I want to be someone fantastic. And I´m going to be.



I want to look back and know that handing over those papers was the right thing to do.

Reality Check

I have a sister in a wheelchair. She has cerebral palsy.
She is beautiful.
She is amazing.
She has the brightest smile you will ever see.
She is my incredible sister.
But she is different.

Yesterday, I realized she knows she is different.
And, oh dear, did it hurt. It made me want to wrap her so tight in my arms, and hide her away from everything mean and hurtful.
And it made the tears stream down my face.

Today's Daily Challenge - Share 5 things that are on your bucket list.

So, I haven´t actually looked at my bucket list since I started uni. And when I found it in my box of memories this morning, I realised it needed a good review, because it mirrors the hopes and dreams of a teenage fighter, not a nearly 20year old woman.


So, here are 5 random things I have on my bucket list (my mental one):

-Travel on my own;
-Be independent (financially and mentally);
-Do bungee jumping and/or sky diving;
-Set up a real home of my own, somewhere I feel comfortable and safe;
-Take cookery classes;


Maybe you would like to try Daily Challenge?
http://www.meyouhealth.com/

New Dawn

2010 was special because of quite a few things:

A reality check - exams and more exams - almost lost my mind.
A new and incredible boyfriend.
The discovery of jealousy.
Taking out my three lip piercings.
Giving up smoking.
A road trip to Jersey with my Mum!
Going on a archaeological dig, and realising that I am on the right path.
My worst piss up ever - never, never again will I touch bagaço.
Some body issues - resolved by realising I´m the one in charge of the way I look.
A lot of growing up, managing house and finances.
A lot of facing up to my feeling, and talking about difficult issues.
Meeting my "in-laws" and going to my boyfriends house.
Bringing my boyfriend home.
Realising my best friend (and our friendship) is fading.



























2011 is going to be amazing, I know. I´m going to make it amazing.
I promise to:

Travel - ERASMUS mobility program - UK? Holand? Italy?
Try not to judge.
Be more understanding.
Quit the moaning.
Give love freely.
Dig all Summer - with a small festival break - Andanças? Boom?
Express myself more.
Read at least one book a week - and not brainwashing novels.
Watch at least one international film a week (as in, one that isn´t English/American).
Start my mega book project - soon to be explained.
Write more - English and Portuguese.
Speak up.
Be more secure of myself.
Love my boyfriend with all of my body and soul.


"And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me"