BIG

Fear can be a dumb thing.
A silly and a bum thing.
And fear can be the one thing that keeps us in the dark.

God, I´m scared. Shit scared if I´m totally honest.
That day, that fateful day I handed over those pieces of paper that will change my life. I keep going back to that day. Remembering that lady and her smile, her whisper of good luck. Remembering the office, the waiting, the snatched short breaths. Walking out of that door and suddenly feeling so empty, small and powerless.
I want to go, leave, travel, grow. More than anything. I mean, I´ve got to do it someday, right?
But I´m so scared. So bloody scared I lie in bed awake at night going over and over it in my mind.
It´s like, Oh my sweet Jesus, I´m in charge. I can shape my life, mold my opportunities, make the most of what I have, of the air I breath. And my brave mask comes off, and all I want to do is hide.


So, heres to me being a big girl, a brave girl. Heres to me getting on a plane, settling in to a new life for six months. Heres to me, because I am bloody well going to do this. I´going to smile, make friends, be strong. Because as much as it hurts to leave people behind, and stepping out into the unknown, it would hurt even more letting this slip through my fingers. And as much as it kills me to go, I can only hope you will still be here when I get back.


I want to do something amazing. I want to be someone fantastic. And I´m going to be.



I want to look back and know that handing over those papers was the right thing to do.