Chiffon Covered Goddess

Ladies, don´t deny it. No matter how beautiful, no matter how skinny, or curvy, no matter how long your hair is, or how bright your eyes are, you are never really happy. Or at least I´m not. It´s part of being a woman, its a part of this crappy society we live in, this world that bombards us with sexy, fashionable, size 0 girls, that make us feel like little pieces of grey fluff under the couch, little puddles of dirty rain water.

Believe me, I´ve tried. I´ve tried the positive, the negative, the skinny, the chubby. I´ve tried every damn thing, but nothing seems to work its magic. I´ll walk out the door feeling ten feet tall, and walk past a beauty, or catch my boyfriend oggling some other girl, and there it goes. I´m 2 inches tall (again), and that will sum me up for quite some time.

No whispered compliments from my boyfriend, no joy at getting on the scales and being the "right" weight, no fitting in to a size 40. None of it has any effect. Somehow I need to push harder, I´m never, ever happy. I´ll never let myself go, and if I do, there will be some form of punishment.

Sometimes I hit the ground so hard I lose my breath, and everything goes numb. It´s not anybodies fault, it´s all me. And no, I don´t want to talk about it, don´t expect anyone to understand. Don´t want food pushed down my throat, and then comments about how its all a matter of exercise.
I´m the one that needs to change, not anyone around me, I know that. I need special pink tinted glasses that make me look perfect in every single way. And I´m feed up of hearing that it´s what makes me unique. Sometimes I don´t want to be unique, I just want to be totally right.

I guess it all sums up to a simple matter of self esteem. Which I´m lacking. In a big way, unless that isn´t obvious.

N is for Noise

...Shut it out. All of it. All the meaningless chatter, the white noise in the back of my mind. Just make it stop, make it all quiet.

...The noise takes over, and reality mingles with an endless string of silly conversations, that happen inside my own brain and that are out of my reach.

...I just wish it would stop. I wish I could close my eyes, and run through this with my hands over my ears, screaming just so I can block everything else out.
I hate that I can´t turn it off. I´ve never been able too. I´ve never shut down my little voice, never just let it go. I´ve always got out of bed on time, studied for my exams, worried about the things I have to do, and when I have to do them. I can´t just make it disappear, it does not work like that. I´m not in control. I can´t just stay in bed all day, can´t put down work that needs doing. I can´t. And it´s driving me nuts...