Nobody said it was easy.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life."


I have wanted to write something for so long. But words don´t come, only floods of tears.
I´m so tired of crying, crying over something that cannot be undone. I hurt you, you feel hurt, and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing I say or do is ever going to change the way things happend. But the truth is that it is over. And it kills me a little bit more every day. Life isn´t all sunshine and rainbows. Life is cloudy skies and raindrops, because, just as you are hurting, so am I.
There are no miracle words I can write, no amazing explanation that will make you feel better. I´m so sorry, truly. I wish there were. I wish some amazing logical explanation popped in to my head this very instant, and made everything clear again.
All I know is that what I felt, the deep, binding, TRUE, incredible love is no longer there. I wish it was, I really do. How simple life would be if everyday was the same, if everyday I was greeted by a smile and a kiss, rather than silence and odd looks. How I wish that I loved you enough to walk up to you and put my arms around you, and make everything ok again. But I can´t. That one step, that one step that led me straight of the cliff edge was the only step I needed to make our lives a mess. All that we had worked so hard for, all that we had planned, dreamed, imagined, all that went tumbling off the edge, just like I did. I´m sorry. But sorry doesn´t cut it, I know. Sorry will never cut it. I sneer at the very word, because it is totally useless, unworthy, insignificant even. Sorry won´t make your wounds heal, and your heart open again.

I miss you. Truly. Being in the same room with you is turture. Walking past you in the corridor and feigning indiference makes me feel cheap. How can I be indiferent to someone who meant so much to me?? How can I pretend I´m ok with the situation? How can I strug it off, and put it in a little box somewhere at the back of my mind? I can´t. It can´t be done. So every day I start the day thinking "It´s all going to be fine" and every day it isn´t. I guess it is a suited punishment for what I did. I broke you, and now I´m intent on breaking myself, bit by bit, pulling myself apart every time our eyes meet across the room, everytime a memory slips past my walls, everytime that song plays on my Ipod. And I haven´t taken it off. Maybe I enjoy the pain. Maybe if I suffer enough, I will find peace.

Believe me, I know it isn´t easy for you. But it isn´t easy for me. I disapointed you, I get it. Never again will I be let in, I know. And I bet you hate the very idea of every loving again, bet you say to yourself that next time you won´t let it happen. Please don´t give up on love. It does exist. I did love you, more that I can undersand myself, more that you will care to believe. So, every time you walk past me in the corridor, I wonder if you can hear me screaming your name in my head. Every time our eyes meet across the room I wonder if you can see the tears brimming.

I´m losing the will to go on. I´m losing my strengh, and I´m desperately looking for the big flashing sign that says exit. I wake thinking of what I did, spend my days trying to understand myself, and every time I lay down to sleep, in this bed that we shared so many nights in, I wonder how I´m going to make it. And I wonder if I want to make it. If I disapeared, things would be easier, I think. 'Out of sight is out of mind'.
So I´ll be seeing you. And don´t blame me, don´t blame yourself. Because it isn´t by blaming someone that it will be different, believe me, I´ve tried.

And I´ll never forget that boy on the number 60 bus. You are imprinted on my skin, in my mind, and in my life. Thank you for what you gave me, for what you taugh me, and for letting me G(r)O(w).