Because I Can

Estou aqui há meia hora a tentar perceber o que deva dizer, ou o que quero dizer. E ainda não percebi.
Acho que devo começar com um pedido de desculpa, pois tenho a perfeita consciência de que não estou a ser a pessoa mais perfeita do mundo.

Sou invadida por um sentimento estranho, que me faz ser má, e reagir de forma infantil.

Não gosto de me sentir assim, necessitada, sempre a resmungar, nunca satisfeita. Sempre a empurrar-te para um canto, quando o que realmente quero é que nunca mais me largues.

Não quero ouvir sobre as tuas amigas, e os seus atributos físicos maravilhosos.
Não quero ouvir que até marchavam.
Mesmo sendo num tom de brincadeira, não consigo encontrar a graça.
Quero ser egoísta, e ter-te só para mim.

E detesto-me por ser assim. Eu não sou assim. Sempre fui pessoa liberta, sem problemas com quaisquer comentários, ou atitudes. Levava tudo com a maior das calmas.



Agora viro-me de costas, e fico amuada, em silencio.

Parece que as tuas palavras ampliam a minha insegurança, que apareceu do nada. Que me reduz a lágrimas salgadas, incompreensíveis.

E tu não tens culpa de nada. Fazes coisas tão bonitas. Esforças-te tanto. Gosto de ti.

Preciso de ser salva. Não sei onde parar, ou como parar.

You´ll Follow Me Down

It won´t work like this.
Not even a little bit.
And we will end up empty handed, heartbroken.
Wondering what the fuck happened.
Wondering where the fuck it went wrong.

So, please remember I´m here.
And remember that I don´t enjoy being ignored.
Not even in the slightest.

So kill me for not being afraid of words and what they mean.

Running Out

I lean across the foot of the bed, and reach for the light switch. As I do, I smile at myself in the mirror. No matter how awful, or how amazing the day was, I always smile. And click, I´m bathed in silky darkness.
After the lights went out, when I still lived at home, I would lie there in the dark and dream up a different world, filled with smiles, hugs, and normality. I always wished for normality. So hard, and for so long. I hated being the freak, the strange one. I wished for a normal family, and for confort, and reassurance. For protection. I soon realised it was a better idea to rely on myself.

Now, so much has changed. I look around, and all I see are people struggling to be different. Struggling, fighting harder than I ever did. Trying not to get sucked into this world that they worked so hard to create.


Make up your mind, why don´t you?

Dalila

So tired.

3 days of people everywhere, cooking and millions of tiny questions.

So exausted.

But ever so satisfied. Because this year was actually quite fun, even though Mum and I had mad fits of stress, and post stress attacks of madness. We did survive.Somehow.

I do believe that at heart I will always be some sort of hippie. Because holding hands, and singing together never freaks me out, and random hugs are always welcome. And because abnormal is somehow normal to me.
So once again, thank you people who came, and helped, who smiled, laughed, and braved the rain. It was worth it.


Now for bucketfulls of uni, canteen food, and cigarettes in the sun. This is fantastic.
Am taking long long break from any real cooking, and managed to spend 32€ on loads of tins, jars, packets that involve putting in a pan and heating up, possibly with water. No brain skills required.

Over and out, lovies.