Fear and Fascination

I look around, observe everything slowly.
And I´m gripped with a chilling fear. Of God knows what. Of life. Of death. Of losing that precious little moment, because I wasnt paying attention. Of waking up one morning and being lost. So lost.


Being lost frightens me.

Falling frightens me.

Trusting frightens me.
Its like I´m handing myself to someone else, on a platter. Giving them the key. Giving them the power.
Its an impossible thing for me to do. I wish I could do it. I wish I could be that vulnerable. But I´m not. So what now?
I can even discribe it as irritating. Sometimes I want so hard to trust, and I cant.

Someone once asked me why I needed a wall around me. Someone once told me to let go. So easy to say, so hard to do. I might fall so hard, that I will be incapable of getting up again.
But slowly, slowly, everyone leaves their mark on my, and "practice makes perfect". There´s hope that one day, one day I will truly trust.

Until then, I´m my best friend.

Guilt

Guilt does amazing things to people.
When I´m feeling guilty I lose my appetite, I chew my piercings, I go over everything in my head until I´m practically mad.

Today I hurt someone I really care about. And I´m experiencing an overwhelming guilty feeling, so strong that all I want to do is roll around on the floor screaming so loud so that I can´t hear my thoughts. That stray constantly towards how the person is question must be feeling right now.
I hate hurting people, but somewho, I always do. Hence the guilt.
I tell people that its not a good idea to love me, maybe because I don´t think I´m whorthy, but mostly because I will hurt them. They think I´m just being coy, and hard to get. I wish.

All seems well for the first few months, roses and smiles and rainbows. And then I get restless. And start looking for a way out. Commitment frightens me.
I know I have a problem, and I need to sort it out, or I´m going to lead a string of dead end relationships for the rest of my life. Not what I want to do. The thing is that I dont know how to solve it.
I´m searching for the root of this problem, to start there and work my way forward, to fix where it went wrong...

Then again, maybe I´m just over-reacting, and the reason I can´t do relationships is because I haven´t found someone I really want to commit to.

Oh Fuck, Just Get Me Out Of Here

Aggravation

I’m searching desperately for something, something I just can’t seem to find. I fly from one thing to another with so much haste, without pausing to think. Settling is one of the hardest things for me to accomplish. Actually, I don’t think I have ever truly managed to settle, even for the shortest time.

And people get hurt, just as I would if they were the same as me. People get hurt because they don’t understand, as much as I try to explain. And it goes wrong.

Eventually.

I might make an effort, a sort of denial of myself for that other person, but in the end, off I go again, searching for something new. And it’s not that I haven’t found the right person, it’s more that I haven’t found me. And I won’t stop until I do.

Maybe its just plain selfishness, and sometimes I lead myself to believe that’s what it is. That I’m just a selfish little kid. But is it? Denial of oneself is not the path to a happy fulfilled life. And I want one of those, bad.

It’s aggravating how it happens all the time, with everything. I just don’t seem to want to settle down. Maybe it’s for the best and I will end up with loads of life experience, and a bitter heart, a wise old woman sitting by herself, trying to pass on her knowledge to any wandering stranger.