La Revolución

Tired.
Bored.
Lost.
Scared.
They never said she would feel all theses things. All they spoke of was the good moments, the sunshine, the parties, the people. But, actually, they forgot the rest. Maybe eventually she will too. But right now the light on the horizon is far away, and every day she runs faster, but it doesn´t get any closer...it seems to taunt her, just out of reach, just around the corner, around the next...no, maybe, maybe the next.

And the worst thing is feeling angry. Angry at herself for not being stronger, for not partying more, for not enjoying more. It is slipping through her fingers, and all she does is count the days until she gets on that plane, off, and into her mothers arms. ´

Growing up is not fun, no matter what people say.

She Won´t Go

All her life, she has dreamed about setting off, breaking free, living on the edge.
In two days, she will start a life that will be a mix and match of all she has ever wished for. And she is scared shitless, absolutely terrified. She keeps looking for the exit, as she speeds toward that inevitable day, the baggage, the flights, the languague.

The NEW.

It is literaly just around the corner, but she is digging her heels in to the ground, not wanting to move, hating every goodbye, even the simplest. Tears keeps running down her cheecks, a mere song on the radio, a smell, a smile, reduces her to a puddle of salty water.

Saying goodbye is hard. Especially when everybody else moves faster, keeps moving, goes forward, and all she wants to do is close her eyes, wake up in her bed to sweet silence, drink a cup of coffee with her mum, and slowly watch her world wake.

Deep down, she can´t wait to be free. But the feeling is lost beneath a blanket of sadness, sadness because what is "normal" will no longer be. As sure as she needs air, next week she will feel italian, will have forgotten the sadness, the tears, and will be knee deep in a wonderful new life.

Heres to the future.

Sweet Little Becca

"And I hate when things are over -
When so much is left undone."



I have a immensity of feelings, emotions, moments, memories whirling in my body, my soul, my brain. I desperately want to share them with you, I need you to understand every little detail. Nothing, and I mean nothing compares, nothing has ever felt so real, so amazing, and yet so painful. Nothing has ever lifted me up so high, nothing has ever made me fear the end with such intensity.
I want to shout it from the rooftops, but I can´t find the words. I want to spray paint it on walls, tattoo it on my body, I want to give this, what we have, a sense of eternity. I know nothing lasts for ever, everything changes, our perspectives change, just as our needs change.
But whatever the future holds, whatever paths we wander, no matter how far apart we roam, I will never forget this feeling, this amazing, wonderful, binding feeling.

It´s the most fantastic feeling, but strangely, sometimes it´s so good it´s bad.
I´ve given myself to somebody else, heart, body and soul. Given myself up, and that makes it scary. I can never walk out that door, never say goodbye and mean it. I just can´t. I love you more that I can even feel. It swells above, around, beyond me. It´s bigger than me. Sometimes I fell so lost in it that I just need to do something to remind me who I am, without you, for fear of becoming a part of you and ceasing to exist on my own. I know it is hard to understand the logic, but it is there, somewhere.

And more than a year later, I can´t live without you. I breath because you do, I smile when you smile, cry when you do. I care about every little thing. I watch you and my heart races, my mind goes blank and I thank whatever forces that lead me to you. We have come so far, and the road ahead is long and winding, but we make the rules. I promise I will never turn out the light.

Pretty pretty please, don´t ever ever leave.

You Can Call Georgia

I´m lost in mountains of papers, hours of typing, snatched meals and stolen kisses on a 3 minute break.
But today I had to go outside. I love windy days, when the sun is shinning strong, but the breeze keeps me cool. And I love my city, even though I hardly know it at all.
This year one of my classes is "Urbanism", and we had the privilege of attending an outdoor class, because my teacher believes that you learn about cities and towns by wandering the streets and exploring dead ends. So we did. And I learned to look up, up, up. When you are walking somewhere, don´t look down. Stare up at the buildings, see the windows, the verandas, the chimneys, the different roofs. You will enter a whole different world, mark my words. These days we walk from A to B, with our headphones in our ears, and our eyes on the ground. Today I went out, and stood proud, stared long and hard, and embraced my passion of windows and doors - the communication points of our houses.



Soundtrack for those dull afternoons of study: http://www.esnips.com/doc/02ba4273-e8ff-4819-ae04-ed8963c856ad

Numb...Encore?

I´ve got my eyes on the horizon, my hair is floating in the wind, and my mind is wandering.


Sometime people have to be brave. We have to make hard, harsh decisions. We have to hurt others, in order to save ourselves.
And sometimes we have to step away, and look at our lives from afar, to make sure we are doing what our hearts need, not what our mind says.
Other times we have to throw our pride, our distance, our ego out the window, and curl up to the ones we love, beg them not to leave, and stain their shirts with our bittersweet tears.

Moments of Nothingness

Empurro. Estou sempre a empurrar, sempre a forçar, mas nunca estou contente.
É o dilema constante do ser humano - nunca nos contentamos.
Queremos sempre mais, e melhor.
Queremos o que o outro tem, queremos o que o outro quer.
Mas nunca estamos contentes.

You Think You Are Cooler Than Me

A minha vida está a andar tão depressa. Pisco os olhos, e os dias fogem. Estou quase no fim do meu segundo ano de licenciatura, só falta mais um. Mais um ano que vai ser atribulado, em tantos aspectos.
Hoje completei o "último" passo na minha candidatura de ERASMUS. Daqui a sensivelmente um mês vou receber um mail que vai mudar a minha vida. Daqui a um mês vou repetir aquela experiência da colocação na faculdade.
Fingers crossed.
Preciso tanto de expandir-me por este mundo fora.

E esta nova perspectiva faz-me olhar para trás. Cheguei a casa e tirei a minha caixa das lembranças, onde guardo bocados de mim, bocados da minha vida. Pus-me a ler, a folhear, a sentir todos os objectos naquela caixa. Pus-me a descobrir a Rebeca que fui, durante a adolescencia, durante a grande mudança do secundário. Vi caras que fizeram parte do meu crescimento. Lembrei-me de coisas que magoam, mas sobretudo, lembrei-me das coisas que me conduziram até aqui.

Quando andava no secundário, escrevia muito. Escrevia para fugir, para expressar as coisas que não tinha coragem de gritam a quatro ventos. Consigo traçar minunciosamente esses três anos relendo aqueles textos de adolescente que tenta encaixar.
Encontrei isto (acho que é muito fitting neste contexto):

"Nunca é tarde demais. Simplesmente pensamos que é.

Se cada um de nós, em vez de hesitar, se atirasse, o Mundo seria muito diferente. Diminuiam brutalmente as oportunidades perdidas, os beijos desejados, mas nunca dados, os suspiros de infelicidade. Aumentava a adrenalina, os sorrisos, a felicidade, e quem sabe, até mesmo o infortunio.

Mas...a responsabilidade é um fardo pesado que nos prende à realidade. Agimos em conformidade, conformamo-nos mais vezes que as estritamente necessárias. Sacrificamos muito. Tudo por causa da responsabilidade. E do medo.
Do medo enorme de ouvirmos um "não", de ficarmos de mãos a abanar, com os sonhos desfeitos no chão. Escolhemos o caminho mais seguro e ficamos para todo o sempre a pensar "E se....?".
E se tivessemos dito, ou feito algo diferente? Onde estariamos agora? Quem preenchia os nossos dias? Com quem acordariamos de manhã?"

Chiffon Covered Goddess

Ladies, don´t deny it. No matter how beautiful, no matter how skinny, or curvy, no matter how long your hair is, or how bright your eyes are, you are never really happy. Or at least I´m not. It´s part of being a woman, its a part of this crappy society we live in, this world that bombards us with sexy, fashionable, size 0 girls, that make us feel like little pieces of grey fluff under the couch, little puddles of dirty rain water.

Believe me, I´ve tried. I´ve tried the positive, the negative, the skinny, the chubby. I´ve tried every damn thing, but nothing seems to work its magic. I´ll walk out the door feeling ten feet tall, and walk past a beauty, or catch my boyfriend oggling some other girl, and there it goes. I´m 2 inches tall (again), and that will sum me up for quite some time.

No whispered compliments from my boyfriend, no joy at getting on the scales and being the "right" weight, no fitting in to a size 40. None of it has any effect. Somehow I need to push harder, I´m never, ever happy. I´ll never let myself go, and if I do, there will be some form of punishment.

Sometimes I hit the ground so hard I lose my breath, and everything goes numb. It´s not anybodies fault, it´s all me. And no, I don´t want to talk about it, don´t expect anyone to understand. Don´t want food pushed down my throat, and then comments about how its all a matter of exercise.
I´m the one that needs to change, not anyone around me, I know that. I need special pink tinted glasses that make me look perfect in every single way. And I´m feed up of hearing that it´s what makes me unique. Sometimes I don´t want to be unique, I just want to be totally right.

I guess it all sums up to a simple matter of self esteem. Which I´m lacking. In a big way, unless that isn´t obvious.

N is for Noise

...Shut it out. All of it. All the meaningless chatter, the white noise in the back of my mind. Just make it stop, make it all quiet.

...The noise takes over, and reality mingles with an endless string of silly conversations, that happen inside my own brain and that are out of my reach.

...I just wish it would stop. I wish I could close my eyes, and run through this with my hands over my ears, screaming just so I can block everything else out.
I hate that I can´t turn it off. I´ve never been able too. I´ve never shut down my little voice, never just let it go. I´ve always got out of bed on time, studied for my exams, worried about the things I have to do, and when I have to do them. I can´t just make it disappear, it does not work like that. I´m not in control. I can´t just stay in bed all day, can´t put down work that needs doing. I can´t. And it´s driving me nuts...

Someone Like You

Ladies and Gentlemen...
I am officially a university student. Not just a study a week before exams student, I´m a come home after lesson, log on to the PC and work ´till I drop.
Reality check, people. Who said it was easy?
Getting up in the morning, as tired as when I feel in to bed, with a million things to do during the day, and not enough time to do them...How do I not panic? Could someone give me more hours in a day? 36 should do it...wait, make that 48.
Ok, so one thing at a time, little steps, and I might just survive this.
And I better survive this, because I´ve embarked on an adventure and a half - I´ll be attending a semester at Universita degli studi di Napoli Federico II, Facoltà di Lettere e Filosofia.
Do I speak italian? NOOOOO.
Have I ever been to Italy? NOOOO.
Do I know anyone in Italy? NOOOO.
Am I shit scared? errrm, YES.
I´ve just sent off my course plan for the semester, and my choices are someone dubious...but what the hell, if I´m going to go for an adventure, I´m going head first, amore mio :)

I´m dreaming of pasta, pizza, scooters, opera, castles, sun, sand, new sounds, new friends.
I´m stepping out in to thin air, and somehow, it feels so good, so right, so amazing.
If I ignore the slight panic, I´m fine.
The immensity of what I´m doing is probably only going to hit me when I walk of the plane and I´m all alone in a strange, mafia controlled city. I believe I´m going to be best friends with my self, and hold myself up, in an attempt to stop myself from booking a flight straight back home, and running for my parents house.

Right now all I can think is how am I going to fit all my stuff in to a 25kg suitcase? Big dilemma. Huge, massive.

Anyways, thats all from me. Bath, bus and then bed!!

Moving in Circles

Something feels strange.
Something feels off.
She just can´t put her finger on it. It´s just not the same anymore.

She feels frustrated, lost in this strange world. She questions her decisions, picks faults in her actions, is never satisfied with what she has.

She wants more, more emotion, more pain, more anger, more happiness, more passion. Just MORE of everything, so that the numbness gets lost in all the other overpowering feelings. God, she feels small, and useless, and insignificant.

She leaves, and returns, and can´t tell the difference. It´s all the same. All the moments blur together, all the words and conversations are just white noise in the background.

She´s afraid this is all there is. That around the next bend is more of this, more normal, more usual.
She´s scared that in 2, 3 years time she won´t be happy with what she choose, what she becomes.

She feels like shouting of rooftops, piercing her body, tattooing herself from head to toe, just to see if it makes a difference, just to see if the pain makes a difference.

She has had enough of american tv, crappy books, boring classes, but can´t find the strength to change, to say no.

It all seems the same. And how sad is that?

Wings of Wind

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more

Remember: The time to love is short
------ author unknown

Found It

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Corinthians 13

BIG

Fear can be a dumb thing.
A silly and a bum thing.
And fear can be the one thing that keeps us in the dark.

God, I´m scared. Shit scared if I´m totally honest.
That day, that fateful day I handed over those pieces of paper that will change my life. I keep going back to that day. Remembering that lady and her smile, her whisper of good luck. Remembering the office, the waiting, the snatched short breaths. Walking out of that door and suddenly feeling so empty, small and powerless.
I want to go, leave, travel, grow. More than anything. I mean, I´ve got to do it someday, right?
But I´m so scared. So bloody scared I lie in bed awake at night going over and over it in my mind.
It´s like, Oh my sweet Jesus, I´m in charge. I can shape my life, mold my opportunities, make the most of what I have, of the air I breath. And my brave mask comes off, and all I want to do is hide.


So, heres to me being a big girl, a brave girl. Heres to me getting on a plane, settling in to a new life for six months. Heres to me, because I am bloody well going to do this. I´going to smile, make friends, be strong. Because as much as it hurts to leave people behind, and stepping out into the unknown, it would hurt even more letting this slip through my fingers. And as much as it kills me to go, I can only hope you will still be here when I get back.


I want to do something amazing. I want to be someone fantastic. And I´m going to be.



I want to look back and know that handing over those papers was the right thing to do.

Reality Check

I have a sister in a wheelchair. She has cerebral palsy.
She is beautiful.
She is amazing.
She has the brightest smile you will ever see.
She is my incredible sister.
But she is different.

Yesterday, I realized she knows she is different.
And, oh dear, did it hurt. It made me want to wrap her so tight in my arms, and hide her away from everything mean and hurtful.
And it made the tears stream down my face.

Today's Daily Challenge - Share 5 things that are on your bucket list.

So, I haven´t actually looked at my bucket list since I started uni. And when I found it in my box of memories this morning, I realised it needed a good review, because it mirrors the hopes and dreams of a teenage fighter, not a nearly 20year old woman.


So, here are 5 random things I have on my bucket list (my mental one):

-Travel on my own;
-Be independent (financially and mentally);
-Do bungee jumping and/or sky diving;
-Set up a real home of my own, somewhere I feel comfortable and safe;
-Take cookery classes;


Maybe you would like to try Daily Challenge?
http://www.meyouhealth.com/

New Dawn

2010 was special because of quite a few things:

A reality check - exams and more exams - almost lost my mind.
A new and incredible boyfriend.
The discovery of jealousy.
Taking out my three lip piercings.
Giving up smoking.
A road trip to Jersey with my Mum!
Going on a archaeological dig, and realising that I am on the right path.
My worst piss up ever - never, never again will I touch bagaço.
Some body issues - resolved by realising I´m the one in charge of the way I look.
A lot of growing up, managing house and finances.
A lot of facing up to my feeling, and talking about difficult issues.
Meeting my "in-laws" and going to my boyfriends house.
Bringing my boyfriend home.
Realising my best friend (and our friendship) is fading.



























2011 is going to be amazing, I know. I´m going to make it amazing.
I promise to:

Travel - ERASMUS mobility program - UK? Holand? Italy?
Try not to judge.
Be more understanding.
Quit the moaning.
Give love freely.
Dig all Summer - with a small festival break - Andanças? Boom?
Express myself more.
Read at least one book a week - and not brainwashing novels.
Watch at least one international film a week (as in, one that isn´t English/American).
Start my mega book project - soon to be explained.
Write more - English and Portuguese.
Speak up.
Be more secure of myself.
Love my boyfriend with all of my body and soul.


"And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me"